author's note

Im so sorry that Ive been recasting all of the characters so many times. Im really fussy about it, and I wanted them all to look good together. I really hope they do now, because I think Ive settled on a permanent cast. sorry, again. and thank you all for reading.
- Andrew (author)

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Forsaking All I've Fallen For, I Rise To Meet The End

In chapter 37 of For Whom The Bell Tolls it's written "there isn't any need to deny everything there's been just because you are going to lose it."
As I feel myself losing everything, I force myself to wonder...
Was it worth it?
When I was 16, I had rigged a rope in my family's barn to be able to hang myself. It was so perfect. So beautiful. The noose swinging back and forth lulling me closer. I had put my head through and found myself looking down at the dirty barn floor. All I had to do was make one step and it would all be over. But it was then I found myself thinking the same thing.
Was it worth it?
I couldn't see or hear anything. Everything was completely black but I could still hear my heartbeat which sounded almost deafening even though I knew it was slowing down and whatever breaths I could take were getting shallower.
But then I had gone completely numb.
I wasn't sure if it had stopped beating, but I found myself unable to hear my heartbeat even when I desperately searched for it in the darkness of everything else.
After what felt like a long time but I wasn't really sure since I couldn't feel time passing, I dreamed.
I wasn't sure if it were a dream or a memory, actually. But since I couldn't remember it, I thought it was a dream.
There was no color. Everything was black and white. It was in a quiet cemetery and there was a faint chime of bells but afterwards, nothing. But then there was audible footsteps. The footsteps belonged to a little girl with long dark hair. She was wearing a long white dress, like something from a wedding, but it looked worn and rugged. But beautiful. It was almost the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was carrying a large bundle of flowers. The flowers were roses and even without color I could tell that they were a mix of black and a deep red.
After a few moments of hesitation, the little girl started singing. She was clearly too young to be singing the song and yet she sang it so beautifully... Her voice was piercing in the best way. Like a ray of light, she seemed to infect the things around her with color. And yet her face was pale with sadness that she seemed almost unaware of.
Lost in the darkness, silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning, now endless night.

The song was so tragic and yet the way she sang it was so breathtaking, I wouldn't even dare to breathe. Instead I just watched her.
If I could reach you
I'd guide you and teach you...
to walk from the darkness back into the light.
Deep in your silence, please try to hear me;
I'll keep you near me till night passes by.
She had reached a headstone with a tiny detailed angel carved onto it's surface. The girl sat by the headstone, laying the flowers down propped up against it. She layed her head on the stone and finished the song that took my breath away.
I will find the answer,
I'll never desert you.
I promise you this, till the day that I die...
The pain of the girl felt so real it wrenched my heart to see her and hear the song. I didn't know the song but know I knew I would never forget it. I needed to know who she was. I needed to know everything about her. I felt myself longing to hear her again. Longing for her.
But the picture of the girl with her head on the stone and the roses slowly slipped away and like my heartbeat, I couldn't find it no matter how desperately I tried.
"Not so fast."
A voice came out of utter darkness. A new picture was coming into focus.
My name. Someone was calling for me. I could hear them.
I sat up. But when I did, some indescribable rush came to me. It was almost euphoric.
There was a girl standing in front of me, leaning her hands on the bed. She had dark hair and looked almost completely ordinary. I hadn't ever seen her before. She was a complete stranger to me. She smiled.
"Look behind you."
Instantaneously, I did so. And there I was. I was out of body. A ghost of myself.
"You're not dead. Don't waste your breath."
Her remarks were hard but her voice soft.
"Pardon, you're not dead YET. But we only have so much time before it's too late. Come on."
The clock was ticking now.
"Who are you?"
The sound of my voice surprised me provided I thought I was dead moments ago.
"Arabelle. You're walker."
"My what?"
"I'll take you when you're ready. Now come on. I need to show you something."
She held out her hand. For some reason I trusted her. Funny considering how everyone else had to earn my trust. I took her hand and stood up, completely detaching myself from my body.
Perhaps what I couldn't get used to was that I couldn't feel my own heartbeat or a rush of blood when I stood or moved. I no longer ached or felt weak. It was like I was free of all my pain and suffering.
I wasn't sure what any of it meant yet. The dream, Arabelle, or my doubtless trust of her. But I wanted to trust her. If she could make all my pain just vanish, I wanted her to stay with me.
She started to walk away, taking me with her.
"Don't be scared. I won't let you get hurt. Believe me."
And for reasons beyond my grasp, I did.

4 reviews:

Molly said...

you make me cry so often and yet i love to read your writing! is that normal?? probably not...
your such a great writer! who's that girl? who's grave was she at? will you ever see her again? does she have any relation to Jasper?
by the way, Arabella doesn't look "ordinary..." she's kinda scary...
good chapter :')

your loyal fangirl Molly

Oscar Scar said...

I like your blog!

great discovery


SecretiveTruths said...

How did you make it so that your newer blog posts are at the top instead of the other way around?

Oscar Scar said...

Hey Andrew,

can I ask you what made you decide to start 'Confessions of a Broken Heart'? What' the main idea behind it? In what way do you think fiction helps to express certain feelings or thoughts?

Sorry for all these questions, but I'm just interested...