I Never Listened To A Word You Never Said

As much as love is supposed to be limitless and how much the heart is supposed to be bottomless, sometimes I wondered whether the more people you let in, the more people you push out -- with or without knowing it.

It had been almost a week since Haydan came to visit me and I found out about her cancer and Brooklyn's AIDS.
Hayden.
Although she insisted she was doing well, I doubted she would be in here if she was doing well. People who were "doing well" didn't come here and sure as hell didn't stay here.
Tonight was another meeting for my age bracket. It would give me a chance to see Hayden and Brooklyn but a big part of me didn't want to see them. Knowing why people are here is somehow worse then them just being there. Now when I saw them all I could think about was the diseases eating them up upside.
Pain.
Over the last week, things had started to look bad. My leukemia was kicking up. I had lost even more weight and now the ring that Madison's ring would fall of my finger if I wasn't careful.
It hurt to walk.
It hurt to breathe.
Any wrong movement or sharp breath shot thousands of little daggers of pain right through me.
Madison hated being here. I could tell. She started taking more walks and sometimes just looking out the window for hours. I let her sleep next to me and never told her how much it hurt, but she still seemed unhappy. But who could blame her? If I could be anywhere but here, don't you think I would?
Small footsteps and the little sound of Madison's ballet flats came down the hall.
She came in the room, looking sad.
"Madison, what's wrong?"
She hesitated. But ultimately I realized it wasn't hesitation, she just wasn't answering the question. She looked down and watched her feet as she walked over at sat on the couch.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
She looked up at me, looking irritated by my prodding.
"I want to go home, Jas."
I snarled. Home. How childish. What a thing to say. Home had burned to the ground along with our mother and father and everything in that house. She wanted to go home. Home, she said to her brother who was terminally ill and would never make it out of this clinic. And she had just told him she wanted to go HOME.
"I'm the only family you have left. You have to stay here. I'm s-"
She interrupted me. Something she knew I hated.
"I'm 16. I can live on my own now. Our parents are dead and your leukemic."
Dead. I'd grown the hate the word more and more.
Even though it hurt right to the bone, I stood up to face Madison.
"Yeah, one call and they'd take you away. One call and you'd be living on your own leaving your car crash past behind. One call and you have the freedom to be anything and anywhere." As the words formed and the truth became clearer the both of us, the pain inside grew and grew and nearly swallowed me before I could continue. "Have you forgotten what I did so you could stay? Did it just slip your mind that I nearly cut my throat open to spend the time I had left here with YOU? Does it even matter to you? Do you even CARE anymore?"
She looked frustrated. I could tell she was at the end of her rope, but so was I.
"Stop being so selfish! You can't use your leukemia to make everyone feel sorry for you! I'm a person too!"
Every word stabbed. I didn't know what to say. My eyes filled up with tears. I wasn't strong enough to take what she was saying. Did she care? Did her hate of the clinic make her stop loving me. I wanted to beg her to stay but the words just wouldn't come out.
"Madison, I'm dying! Is it a crime that you're the one I want next to me? Or could I wait on my deathbed for you and you would never come?"
She shook her head. I don't think she could even find the words for how angry she was becoming. I had never seen her this way.
"I hate this place! I hate you for making me stay here! I hate you, Jasper!"
I couldn't even think. It felt like the walls were closing in.
Madison.
Her words echoed in my head.
I hate you.
I couldn't even breath.
Wait.
I found myself gasping for air but my lungs remained empty.
I couldn't breathe.
All I could do was gasp for air. But all my trying resulted in vain attempts. I grabbed at my chest, coughing a sputtering for air. I put my hand over my mouth and continued coughing but when I drew my hand away, the glossy, red, dripping result scared both me and Madison.
Blood.
"Jasper!"
I couldn't even stand anymore. I fell to my knees and continued to cough blood into my hands. Madison knelt next to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her. I knew I didn't have much time before everything went black.
"You don't have to love me, Madison" I whispered to her through coughs and sputtering. "But I'll always love you."
Madison looked at me tear streaked face with a heavy heart and flooding eyes.
Then I remembered what Haven had told me about death.
It wasn't so bad. It's just a little pinch and then everything... BLACK.
I lurched forward unable to stop cough.
"Jasper!"
Madison's voice was fading.
And then everything went black.