Forsaking All I've Fallen For, I Rise To Meet The End

In chapter 37 of For Whom The Bell Tolls it's written "there isn't any need to deny everything there's been just because you are going to lose it."
As I feel myself losing everything, I force myself to wonder...
Was it worth it?
When I was 16, I had rigged a rope in my family's barn to be able to hang myself. It was so perfect. So beautiful. The noose swinging back and forth lulling me closer. I had put my head through and found myself looking down at the dirty barn floor. All I had to do was make one step and it would all be over. But it was then I found myself thinking the same thing.
Was it worth it?
I couldn't see or hear anything. Everything was completely black but I could still hear my heartbeat which sounded almost deafening even though I knew it was slowing down and whatever breaths I could take were getting shallower.
But then I had gone completely numb.
I wasn't sure if it had stopped beating, but I found myself unable to hear my heartbeat even when I desperately searched for it in the darkness of everything else.
After what felt like a long time but I wasn't really sure since I couldn't feel time passing, I dreamed.
I wasn't sure if it were a dream or a memory, actually. But since I couldn't remember it, I thought it was a dream.
There was no color. Everything was black and white. It was in a quiet cemetery and there was a faint chime of bells but afterwards, nothing. But then there was audible footsteps. The footsteps belonged to a little girl with long dark hair. She was wearing a long white dress, like something from a wedding, but it looked worn and rugged. But beautiful. It was almost the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. She was carrying a large bundle of flowers. The flowers were roses and even without color I could tell that they were a mix of black and a deep red.
After a few moments of hesitation, the little girl started singing. She was clearly too young to be singing the song and yet she sang it so beautifully... Her voice was piercing in the best way. Like a ray of light, she seemed to infect the things around her with color. And yet her face was pale with sadness that she seemed almost unaware of.
Lost in the darkness, silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning, now endless night.
The song was so tragic and yet the way she sang it was so breathtaking, I wouldn't even dare to breathe. Instead I just watched her.
If I could reach you I'd guide you and teach you...
to walk from the darkness back into the light.
Deep in your silence, please try to hear me;
I'll keep you near me till night passes by.
She had reached a headstone with a tiny detailed angel carved onto it's surface. The girl sat by the headstone, laying the flowers down propped up against it. She layed her head on the stone and finished the song that took my breath away.
I will find the answer, I'll never desert you.
I promise you this, till the day that I die...
The pain of the girl felt so real it wrenched my heart to see her and hear the song. I didn't know the song but know I knew I would never forget it. I needed to know who she was. I needed to know everything about her. I felt myself longing to hear her again. Longing for her.
But the picture of the girl with her head on the stone and the roses slowly slipped away and like my heartbeat, I couldn't find it no matter how desperately I tried.
"Not so fast."
A voice came out of utter darkness. A new picture was coming into focus.
"Jasper."
My name. Someone was calling for me. I could hear them.
I sat up. But when I did, some indescribable rush came to me. It was almost euphoric.
There was a girl standing in front of me, leaning her hands on the bed. She had dark hair and looked almost completely ordinary. I hadn't ever seen her before. She was a complete stranger to me. She smiled.
"Look behind you."
Instantaneously, I did so. And there I was. I was out of body. A ghost of myself.
"You're not dead. Don't waste your breath."
Her remarks were hard but her voice soft.
"Pardon, you're not dead YET. But we only have so much time before it's too late. Come on."
The clock was ticking now.
"Who are you?"
The sound of my voice surprised me provided I thought I was dead moments ago.
"Arabelle. You're walker."
"My what?"
"I'll take you when you're ready. Now come on. I need to show you something."
She held out her hand. For some reason I trusted her. Funny considering how everyone else had to earn my trust. I took her hand and stood up, completely detaching myself from my body.
Perhaps what I couldn't get used to was that I couldn't feel my own heartbeat or a rush of blood when I stood or moved. I no longer ached or felt weak. It was like I was free of all my pain and suffering.
I wasn't sure what any of it meant yet. The dream, Arabelle, or my doubtless trust of her. But I wanted to trust her. If she could make all my pain just vanish, I wanted her to stay with me.
She started to walk away, taking me with her.
"Don't be scared. I won't let you get hurt. Believe me."
And for reasons beyond my grasp, I did.

I Never Listened To A Word You Never Said

As much as love is supposed to be limitless and how much the heart is supposed to be bottomless, sometimes I wondered whether the more people you let in, the more people you push out -- with or without knowing it.

It had been almost a week since Haydan came to visit me and I found out about her cancer and Brooklyn's AIDS.
Hayden.
Although she insisted she was doing well, I doubted she would be in here if she was doing well. People who were "doing well" didn't come here and sure as hell didn't stay here.
Tonight was another meeting for my age bracket. It would give me a chance to see Hayden and Brooklyn but a big part of me didn't want to see them. Knowing why people are here is somehow worse then them just being there. Now when I saw them all I could think about was the diseases eating them up upside.
Pain.
Over the last week, things had started to look bad. My leukemia was kicking up. I had lost even more weight and now the ring that Madison's ring would fall of my finger if I wasn't careful.
It hurt to walk.
It hurt to breathe.
Any wrong movement or sharp breath shot thousands of little daggers of pain right through me.
Madison hated being here. I could tell. She started taking more walks and sometimes just looking out the window for hours. I let her sleep next to me and never told her how much it hurt, but she still seemed unhappy. But who could blame her? If I could be anywhere but here, don't you think I would?
Small footsteps and the little sound of Madison's ballet flats came down the hall.
She came in the room, looking sad.
"Madison, what's wrong?"
She hesitated. But ultimately I realized it wasn't hesitation, she just wasn't answering the question. She looked down and watched her feet as she walked over at sat on the couch.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
She looked up at me, looking irritated by my prodding.
"I want to go home, Jas."
I snarled. Home. How childish. What a thing to say. Home had burned to the ground along with our mother and father and everything in that house. She wanted to go home. Home, she said to her brother who was terminally ill and would never make it out of this clinic. And she had just told him she wanted to go HOME.
"I'm the only family you have left. You have to stay here. I'm s-"
She interrupted me. Something she knew I hated.
"I'm 16. I can live on my own now. Our parents are dead and your leukemic."
Dead. I'd grown the hate the word more and more.
Even though it hurt right to the bone, I stood up to face Madison.
"Yeah, one call and they'd take you away. One call and you'd be living on your own leaving your car crash past behind. One call and you have the freedom to be anything and anywhere." As the words formed and the truth became clearer the both of us, the pain inside grew and grew and nearly swallowed me before I could continue. "Have you forgotten what I did so you could stay? Did it just slip your mind that I nearly cut my throat open to spend the time I had left here with YOU? Does it even matter to you? Do you even CARE anymore?"
She looked frustrated. I could tell she was at the end of her rope, but so was I.
"Stop being so selfish! You can't use your leukemia to make everyone feel sorry for you! I'm a person too!"
Every word stabbed. I didn't know what to say. My eyes filled up with tears. I wasn't strong enough to take what she was saying. Did she care? Did her hate of the clinic make her stop loving me. I wanted to beg her to stay but the words just wouldn't come out.
"Madison, I'm dying! Is it a crime that you're the one I want next to me? Or could I wait on my deathbed for you and you would never come?"
She shook her head. I don't think she could even find the words for how angry she was becoming. I had never seen her this way.
"I hate this place! I hate you for making me stay here! I hate you, Jasper!"
I couldn't even think. It felt like the walls were closing in.
Madison.
Her words echoed in my head.
I hate you.
I couldn't even breath.
Wait.
I found myself gasping for air but my lungs remained empty.
I couldn't breathe.
All I could do was gasp for air. But all my trying resulted in vain attempts. I grabbed at my chest, coughing a sputtering for air. I put my hand over my mouth and continued coughing but when I drew my hand away, the glossy, red, dripping result scared both me and Madison.
Blood.
"Jasper!"
I couldn't even stand anymore. I fell to my knees and continued to cough blood into my hands. Madison knelt next to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her. I knew I didn't have much time before everything went black.
"You don't have to love me, Madison" I whispered to her through coughs and sputtering. "But I'll always love you."
Madison looked at me tear streaked face with a heavy heart and flooding eyes.
Then I remembered what Haven had told me about death.
It wasn't so bad. It's just a little pinch and then everything... BLACK.
I lurched forward unable to stop cough.
"Jasper!"
Madison's voice was fading.
And then everything went black.

They Say That If You're Not Lonely Alone, Boy There's Something Wrong With You

They say the Devil's water is ain't so sweet, you don't have to drink right now but you can dip your feet in every once in a little while.

Although my emotions were largely shut off and I almost never spoke, I continued going to the group that Madison had forced me to go to. I didn't think it helped in any way but there was a silent code that once they accepted you into their world, it would be betraying them to leave. Hayden and the others had that silent code.
Hayden. She was the only one I could commit to memory. He smile, her voice, her habits, the way she walked. She was so different from anyone I'd ever known. It felt almost sweet to let her inside my memory.
Something that bothered me was that I didn't know why any of them were here. They must have all been sick but Hayden seemed to be fighting back so much better than Maddox.
Maddox was difficult to forget. His voice was hard and his expression was cold and unforgiving. Whatever his disease was, somewhere in his mind he must have already decided that he wasn't going to make it.
But Maddox wasn't the only one I tried not to remember.
Brooklyn.
The way in which she did things, the way she spoke, and the way she looked wasn't what made me want to shut her out of my memories. The last group meeting I had gone to was what made me afraid to remember her. She and I came down to the room where the meetings were held and she held the door. A simple gesture but unforgettable was what I saw. On the inside of her arm, she had a few light scars. And in the crook of her arm was a fine little hole. But positioned just right that I knew what it meant. She had been on drugs.
I tried to tell myself that it was just a treatment at the clinic, but it still bothered me. I hadn't cared about anyone but Madison for so long, I didn't want to let myself worry about Brooklyn.
Saving me from the memory, I suddenly became aware of the cold feeling of eyes looking at me even though I was asleep. I quickly opened my eyes.
"Hayden?"
Hayden was sitting next to my bed just watching me sleep. They left the doors open during visiting hours meaning I must have slept longer than I thought.
"Morning, bright eyes!"
"What are you doing here?" She seemed slightly offended by my question. But she smiled anyway.
"Just being friendly."
I looked around the room for Madison but found that she wasn't there, probably on one of her walks.
"I hate being alone, I can't imagine anyone enjoying that feeling of loneliness and slow steady death." My eyes widened and I looked down. Slow steady death. If you sat still long enough, you really could feel it.
"Sorry." she said, clearly sensing my pain. "I have some friends in the clinic so it's hard for me to imagine being not having somebody you know here with you."
I sighed.
"My sister Madison is here with me." Her eyes widen and she looked surprised.
"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry!" I shook my head, knowing her initial thought was wrong.
"She's not sick. I'm the only family she has." She looked sympathetic although I was sure she wasn't and would never be in my situation.
"I have Brooklyn."
The name shook me. Brooklyn?
"We've been friends since before... I knew I was sick. She got here before me but now we're here together. Even though I wish we out there together, being together makes it a lot easier."
Brooklyn and Hayden. I never would have thought. I spoke without thinking.
"Did she do drugs?" Once the question had already escaped my lips, I realized just how rude of a thing that was to say.
Hayden looked down and swallow hard. This reaction made me almost sure that she had but I still waited for words.
"Heroin." She looked up and continued. "There's a reason we all got sick enough to be sent here. Heroin is hers."
So it really was true. Brooklyn was a beat darker then even me.
"How did that bring her here?"
"She has AIDS, Jasper." she stood up. "If you want to know anything else, I'd really prefer you talk to her."
I stuttered. I wanted to say anything to make her stay.
"Why are you here, Hayden?"
She hesitated. As if she didn't know.
"Breast cancer. But the doctors say I'm on the brink of recovery." She paused and nodded toward me. "You?"
Lucky her. She was almost better. I still was waiting for matching marrow. And I wasn't sure it was coming any time soon.
"Acute leukemia."
She rested her hand on my own hand. She looked sad and suddenly drained of color.
"You're not doing well, are you?"
Was I?
She looked back at me, away from my frail hand.
"Just take care of yourself. I think part of getting better is will power. You have to want to get better first"
She was right, but I still doubted what I even had to come back to. The only thing I needed was Madison, and she was here with me.
She smiled.
"Don't give up so soon, bright eyes."
And then she left, she was gone. Not forever, but for now. Leaving me in silence.
That last feeling I had was her hand slipping out of mine.

Every Day Another Piece Can't Be Found

Life is a puzzle.
And every day another piece can't be found.

Looking at all the people in the 5 chairs around definitely drew no resemblance to high school. But the dead silence and coldness the shrouded the room was something no one in it could shake. Well if Madison aimed to turn me around, she's good at her job to say the least.

24 hours earlier...

It rained outside. The smell of fog and wet grass leaked through the slightly opened window and flooded my room. The smell of something beyond the clinic pricked my senses as I continued to stare lamely out the window. There was no noise other than the rain outside. I had made them take down the clock hanging on the west wall of my room. The last thing I needed to hear in a place like this was the ticking of a clock. Reminding me that time was slipping away.
For whatever reason, Madison had started to explore the clinic more. Since she was completely functional, it was hard to her to just sit around all day. She had always had a wanderlust and although technically I had the right to her freedom, I would never be the one to break her spirit.
It bothered me somewhat to have no idea what she was doing or who she was meeting out there but I had an undoubted trust in her. The people here were mostly 70% immobilized. And the cons had their own wing.
The cons were the patients at the clinic who had contagious illnesses. They were the darkest and most isolated of all of us. Although I had never meet one, it was hard not to pass judgment.
Madison came into the room and walked over to my bedside like she had something important to say. She looked at me as if I should know, but I had no idea what she was trying to say. At least with only the clue of her eyes.
"They say there's a program-" she started. I rolled my eyes. That program for the patients that sounded too much like Alcohol Anonymous.
"Who told you?"
"It doesn't matter. Why did you turn it down?" Madison was never a fan on my social path even when I still lived in New Jersey. Except Haven who was dubbed a bad influence and I was barred from speaking to.
"Madison-"
"I want you to go." she said. She raised her eyebrows and leaned on her right side. I knew she would. I had my reasons for not wanting to go. And it seemed sort of sudden for her to just drop this on me.
I laughed. Madison's eyes widened. She knew that I didn't laugh when I was happy, I laughed when I was mad or frustrated.
Part of me thought that I needed to give her something back for saving me. It was like she had responded to a sudden call from an angel. I just wasn't sure why my parents had to be killed to bring her back to me. I slightly smiled.
"I will not waver, Madison. I will go to one session of this lame ass program and if it's a complete waste, I will never go back."
You might think it would be out of my character to cave this easily. But it's hard to feel this enlightened until someone you love if taken away from you and you just recently have gotten them back.

I went to the meeting the next day.
Looking at all the people in the 5 chairs around definitely drew no resemblance to high school. But the dead silence and coldness the shrouded the room was something no one in it could shake. Well if Madison aimed to turn me around, she's good at her job to say the least.
Clearly tired of the silence, she spoke.
"This is our third meeting. Why are you just now joining us?"
She was blond and I could tell she was rather short even though she was sitting down. She had one stud in the right side of her lower lip. She looked mildly healthy, meaning she was probably beating whatever disease she was fighting.
"It wasn't my choice to be here." I replied. She clearly didn't like that answer.
"It's completely voluntary. You don't have to come." She nodded towards me. "So what's your name pout master?"
I was hesitant to give this stranger my name. "Jasper. Jasper Nixon." Through giving her my name she seemed to soften her gaze.
"I'm Hayden." she nodded to another girl who had dark hair and no piercings. The girl was also clearly taller than Hayden. She was very thin and looked weak. She was clearly still battling her disease. But you could see she was fight hard.
"This is-" Hayden was interrupted.
"Kiedis. Brooklyn Kiedis."
A girl with a softer face who actually wore a smile in contrast to the others in the room, waved slightly.
"I'm Evelyn."
A different girl who was thin like Brooklyn and had extremely dark eye make-up nodded. It was hard to guess what condition the girl was in my looking at her. But she looked like a fighter. And she had writing on her wrist. However the print was too small to read.
"Dia Reznor."
I nodded. And my eyes turned to the last person in the room. A boy around my age didn't say anything at first. She was also very very thin and his eyes were sunken a little. He had his lower lip pierced twice. He looked up.
"Maddox Gibbard." His voice sounded horse. And I could only think one thing. Lung cancer.
Hayden smiled. She rested her chin on her hands and her elbows on her knees.
"This is the place where death is destiny."
"Death is destined every where." Maddox's voice shook me a little. He sounded so much more pained than Madison who was the only company I had had.
Brooklyn looked over at me and smiled a little.
"So welcome to the black parade, Jasper Nixon."

Crippled By The Past, Blinded By The Future

Someone once told me that the more things change, the more things remain... insane. Well if my goal was to make that come true, I'm a star.

Madison had been staying with me for a couple of days. I can't imagine those last days had been easy for her. Adjusting to a whole new environment and coping with the death of our parents. I still think she was confused by my easy acceptance of their loss. But the truth was that it wasn't any easier on me, my heart was just... frozen. So frozen that not even the fire that burned both my parents alive could melt.
As was predicted, Madison had saved me. At least a little. My depression was getting better. At least a little. I started looking back over my shoulder in my dark state of mind. At least a little. Because everything was slow in this clinic. I hadn't even tried to imagine the day someone would come marching in to tell me that someone had marrow for me. I was on a long long list. And I had only been there for a month or two.
Just when I had started to, Madison sat up from laying on the couch in my room. She looked anxiously over, as if expecting some great event.
"Jas?"
"Huh?"
She shook her head and got up, walking over and sitting down on my bed. She pressed her hands slightly down on my chest. I was way more than confused wondering weather a nurse or a hooker had possessed her. She looked at me. Oh great, that's the "trust me, Jasper" face. I nodded. A silent code we had developed.
She sighed. She moved her hand to where the buttons were on the front of my shirt (I'm not kidding, I have to wear a modified version of those stupid hospital robes). She unbuttoned the first one but I instinctively grabbed her hand. Clearly thinking that I was hiding something she just used her other hand to reach the other buttons. Unbelievable. My sister is stripping me.
When she got to the last button, she pulled my shirt open.
And all I can say is... holy shit.
There were bruises all over my chest of varying sizes and colors. She leaned slightly forward and pushed my head back.
"Jasper!"
Then I remembered, leukemic people bruised like hell. The specific appalling bruise Madison must have been looking at was probably left from when I almost slit my throat.
"What happened to you?" She sounded really upset.
"... Acute myeloid leukemia."
"How bad is it Jas? How bad?"
"I dunno." I swallowed hard. I nudged her, then ran my hand down a small scar in the crook of my arm. If she didn't know about the bruising, I bet she didn't guess this.
"What's that from?"
"When they drew my bone marrow to test it." I said, slightly smiling. "It's a lot like on House."
She slightly smiled, too.
There was a lot she needed to know about my disease and treatment if she was going to be living with me. But the first step was jading her to the symptoms and scars left.
It wasn't easy for her, seeing her own brother like this. I could see it in her eyes.
But we're all a little dead inside. Just some more than others.
And I'm one of those.

The Fire That Blew Out Just As Quickly As It Came

It was her. It had to be her. Her voice. Her hips weren't even, making her favor her left side. Madison...
And that's when I saw it. That polka dot umbrella. She used to tell me it made her feel safe.
It hurt like Hell, but i got up and walked over to Madison. I grabbed her by the shoulders. I just needed to look in her eyes. I had to know it was her.
"It's really you..." I whispered. But when I looked closer I could see that her face was streaked, as if she'd been crying. My eyebrows drew together in concern, which she picked up on.
"I can't believe it's you." her voice slightly trembled. She started crying. And not the reunited crying. Like someone had just died...
I could feel it in my bones now. As much as I could feel with my screwed up bones. Something was really, really wrong.
I hugged her closer to me, pressing her into my chest which must have made her aware of how thin I'd gotten and how fast my heart was beating.
She coughed and spattered words that seemed like pieces of a nonsensical sentence. She was still crying too hard to say anything that made sense. I held her at arms length.
"What's the matter, Madison?"
I pulled her back close to me as the door opened. A receptionist type woman and two security guards stood in the door. The receptionist turned on the lights. I blinked several times. Gosh, how long has it been since those were on? She looked utterly shocked, as if Madison was a terrorist and I was some sort of high ranking businessman.
"Do you know her?" the guard asked, nodding toward Madison. I nodded.
"She's my sister." having to actually SPEAK hurt my throat. I had whispered and cried a little but talking was long lost.
"What is she doing here? This is a private facility and visiting hours are over." People actually got VISITORS anymore? these animated corpses had people that wanted be with them?
Madison turned around inside my arms. I guess she needed more than an umbrella now. Finally, she spoke.
"My parents. Our parents." she swallowed. "They're dead."
Dead. In a place like this that word stung. It burned like fire curling the skin right off you.
"Dead?!" at least the three strangers and I were on the same page.
"Our house was very old. It set on fire. Last night." Her voice was still shaking but it was clear that she was trying to be taken seriously.
Then the dirt on her made sense. It wasn't dirt, it was ashes. I ran my hand down her bare arm. It felt textured. It was definitely burned. She looked over and my hand that now rested on her injured arm.
"Th-This is serious! We need to call someone right now!" the receptionist was clearly panic stricken.
"I'm old enough to be her legal guardian. And I'm first in line to take care of her" I wasn't about to let Madison go. Never in a million years.
The guard sighed. "There's no way in Hell that your qualified, Jasper."
The receptionist took out her cell phone and started to dial.
"Don't you dare call services!" I was snarling now. It was serious.
The guard clearly thought I was dangerous, which I guess I was at the moment. "We'll have to make some calls."
No! I can't let Madison live some middle aged drunk who's gonna mess with her!
"I can't let her stay with you unless I can call services, Jasper." the other guard clearly had less patients and was starting to get irked.
Completely out of body, I grabbed the knife from under the mattress that I had saved from that night that seemed so long ago. I pressed it against my throat without actually making a cut.
"She stays with me!" talking dug the knife slightly inward, but I had no control over the situation anymore.
The less patient guard seemed disinterested. "Jasper-"
The receptionist grabbed the guards arm. "He has leukemia! If he makes the slightest cut, he could bleed out in minutes!"
Madison was clearly petrified. She acted as though I had the knife to her throat.
"Jasper, please!" Madison had obviously slightly given up on staying and now only begged me to not make the cut. Because the receptionist was right. It wouldn't be long...
"He might be eligible! She stays or our numbers of deaths just went up." the opposing guard seemed to side in my favor. The knife hurt beyond belief and I could feel a drop on blood drip from the knife.
"He's bleeding!" the receptionist was apparently easily panicked.
"Fine! We'll see what we can do!" the frustrated guard finally spat out. He stormed out of the room. The other guard and receptionist followed turning the lights of on their way by.
Madison was still crying a little. I dropped the knife and pulled her back close to me.
"I could've lost everything in that fire. I'm not letting you go." I held her at arms length and wiped the dirt and ash off her face. But still in her hair and slightly on her forehead was a gleam of fresh blood.
But if all the pain of losing blood meant I could keep Madison with me, it was worth it. Every second of it.

Lost Hearts & The Lonely Nights That Follow

Acceptance.
It can mean seeing someone for who they are.
Or letting someone in when your not sure you should.
Or coming to terms with what you’ve done or who you’ve been in the past.
In the days following the night i almost slit my wrist, I felt like I was being watched more closely. I wasn't sure how anyone had known about that night. Or why anyone cared there on after. But I knew they didn't really care. I was just their job to care.
I vividly remembered the other night a nurse came to check on me. She was obviously new. She just followed the standard procedure, give me my pills, make sure I take them, ask me how I'm doing. Same old, same old. But when she was about to leave, and I had taken my pills, and told the tireless lie that everything was okay. She laid her hand on my check, in the way that only one person used to do. Madison.
"You have beautiful eyes, Jasper." she said, almost in a whisper.
I stared blankly back at her. Not knowing what to say in reply. I hadn't noticed until then, but she spoke remarkably like Madison. In the same dulcet murmur. I blinked back tears as the rush of the emotions from that unforgettable night came back to me. But I didn't know this woman well enough to trust her with my tears.
She then had drawn her hand back and looked away. "I'm sorry." Then she stood and walked toward to door.
"Come back." I said softly. Spoken. Hadn't it been awhile since that occurred.
She quickly turned around. "Please." I spoke again. I wasn't sure what had taken over me.
She walked back over at sat at the foot of my bed. She looked sympathetic, but I could tell a part of her was scared.
Some tears had started to leak out despite my efforts to hold them back. The tears left long smears down my cheek due to the eyeliner. I stopped any more from leaking, but the smudges still remained.
She leaned forwards again whipping the smear of liner off my cheek. "What can I do for you?"
I swallowed hard. "I need something to believe in."
She withdrew again, looking deep in thought. "Have you ever looked to God?"
I shook my head. Organized religion had been frowned upon in my family.
She slightly smiled. "I think he can help you." I looked down. I had my doubts about religion, too.
"I'll take you to a church someday, Jasper. Someday soon. But I have to go." I nodded.
She stood once again and walked to the door. But like before I stopped her again.
"I don't know your name." I mumbled, voice shaking. I'm surprised she even heard me.
She looked slightly over her shoulder. "Sienna." And then she left.
Sienna.
When the memory subsided, I was still laying in my bed, twisting that ring again. I hadn't seen Sienna in a few days. And I was starting to think that maybe that night was all a dream.
Outside my room, the silence was interrupted by what sounded like someone running, and voices followed. The steps came closer to my door. The person outside opened to door and stepped inside, closing the door behind them. It was dark in my room, but I could tell that they were dirty and they had been running longer then from the elevator to my room. They were nervously panting. They were definitely a girl.
Through the darkness came a dulcet murmur...
"Jasper!"
No. I couldn't be. It was.
Madison.

Looking Down the Barrel of a Gun

Add to the list of one something that can change your life, a mistake.
In my case, two mistakes. Mine and theirs.
The days following the start of the program that I declined, things were less silent. There were faint mummers and whispers. Which bother me considerably less than the complete silence.
But my mind was still in a dark place no one could seem to reach me at. Clearly surprised at my pass of that program, therapists came to see me more. They talked to me more, and I talked less.
Then a day or two ago, they introduced something new that they thought would help me. Another pill. For depression. I was never reluctant to take any of my pills, but I never said when they didn't work. And these depression pills didn't help. They didn't make it worse, but they didn't make it better. What were they supposed to do? Maybe the real problem was that I don't know what they're supposed to do so I can't tell if they do it or not.
A beam of moonlight shone through the window. I turned my head to look out the window, but my eyes never made it to the moon and the outside world. Instead they fell on a small knife that was left on the table. It must have been the way that the moon hit the blade, but I couldn't seem to look away.
Hands shaking, I reached out and grasped the knife, careful not to be cut on the blade. But not careful enough. I made a small cut on my finger. A small bead of blood formed around it.
Then I remembered what I had heard about that sort of thing. Cutting. Intentionally. It's a pain release. Like how you clench your fists so tight your fingernails dig into your palms when your angry. Or tease about pulling your hair out. But this was serious. No tease. Real pain.
Rotated the knife slowly, watching the moonlight dance on the wall reflected by the clean blade. Real. Something real. Anything Real. Madison was the last real thing I had. But Madison's not here is? No. Madison's not going to save me. I'm alone here. Alone.
The taste of the word made me want to vomit. Alone. Alone. Alone. I brought the knife closer to my wrist. Alone.
Tears flooded my eyes. I could hear Madison's voice the day I left. "If it were up to me, I'd be the one with leukemia." More tears. I couldn't stop them. "I love you, Jasper."
The knife clattered to the floor as it fell out of my grasp. I couldn't do it. Cutting myself won't bring Madison to me.
I broke into uncontrollable sobs. I covered my face with my hands. I could feel my shoulders shake.
"I need her..." I managed to say through my sobs. "I need Madison..."
I allowed myself to rest back on the bed. I looked down at my wrist. Almost. I had almost done it. I forced myself to turn over. Leukemia hurt, but not as much as it hurt to be away from Madison. My eyes drifted closed from exhaustion from crying.
I need her. She saves me.

Every Day is a Different Story

Have you ever looked in a mirror, and doubted that the person looking back at you was you at all?
And have you ever imagined, even in your wildest dreams, that one day, 5 minutes, on test result, could change your life forever?
Jasper Nixon had been tested for acute leukemia exactly three week ago. But when the results came back positive, they took him to a clinic. Away from his family and the world he knew. He could've said friends, if he had any.
The clinic was cold and desolate. But it was the silence that bothered Jasper the most. That not any life was moving. And the only movement was down. Patients slipped away into a dark place in their minds that no one could reach them. Jasper was one of them. He no longer felt like he would ever leave. Or that healthy bone marrow was enough to save him. At this point he wasn't sure anything material could save him. Not his medication, not bone marrow, not an expensive therapist. But it wasn't him that slowly slipped away. It was his hope.
Who am I? Fable me not a guide or a therapist. Nor someone Jasper knew or knows. So who I am? I am Jasper. The boy you may have already grown to hate after just 220 words.
Quickly my thoughts were interrupted.
"Jasper?"
I looked over at the door. A tall blonde woman stood in the door way.
"The clinic has started a new program for the patients. We're gathering patients of the same age and giving them time to socialize. You see, recently we've noticed how lonely and depressed the patients are. If you would be willing to participate, any one is welcome to."
I didn't want that. People who knew nothing about me just goggling at me, sorry that I got put in their age group. If I wanted that, I would've gone back to school.
"No. No thank you." My gaze was blank and forward. But I could tell the woman wanted me to.
"It is completely voluntary. I hope you change your mind." She shot a quick smile and left, closing the door behind her.
I rested my head back on the bed. I lifted my hand and twisted the ring on my ring finger. A habit. It reminded me on Madison, my sister. Maybe the only thing that I was sorry I had to leave behind. She never treated me like my parents or the kids at school. She was just a genuinely nice person. I guess that's hard to find anymore. But she was back in New Jersey and I was stuck here. But someday I would see her again. I closed my eyes. Someday. The last word mildly hopeful that I could say or think or breathe. Someday.